Wednesday: Mid Week Ramblings—Guilt

Going through a hard time with one of my girls and feeling guilty. Guilt…motherhood…started the first minute my daughter was born. Oh no, should I have gotten that epidural? Is it really as unsafe as everyone said? After 3 1/2 hours of pushing she finally came out. She must feel terrified; I feel horrible. My heart racing…she is not breathing right…part of it because she was overdue…should I have listened to all the advice thrown my way to be induced early? Bringing her home…having to drag her along to my nanny jobs when she was only a couple weeks old…wishing I didn’t have to worry about earning money.

Three years later, totally different life and feeling guilty for a whole new reason. Baby Girl is not happy…a lot…done with all of her lab tests and going on to a specialist. Feeling guilty that I can’t console her…that for a large part of the day she is just not herself…wondering if I am feeding her something wrong or doing something to make her feel this way and don’t know what. Feeling guilty that sometimes during one of her outbursts I want to take her to Grandma’s and run away for a couple of days.

Thankfully enough these feelings come and go pretty quickly most of the time and I can see the joys of being a mother….guilt and all.
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