My Someday Sons
My thoughts have me worried today. I keep on trying to push them out of my mind, trying to search for some silly catalyst that might have brought them to the surface. I most definitely do not want to face the reality that they are promptings, important decisions we need to start talking about now.
I know I have two sons; I know they will not come from my own body. When I think about the possibility of having anymore children through carrying them I feel nothing. No excitement, no “what could be,” no wonderings, nothing. Just a flat line of emotions, no sadness, no happiness, just complete emptiness.
When I think of my two little boys I start to cry without fail every single time. It is an emotion full of many different elements: worry, anticipation, love, longing, sadness, happiness and hope.
We went to the State Fair this morning and passed by the Utah Foster Organization a few times. How hard I tried to avoid looking into the lady’s face. It terrified me. I have always told myself I would not be strong enough for Foster Care, to adopt through Foster Care. That if something was to go wrong and I lost children I would become dead inside. The young lady behind the booth nervously came out from behind it and since she wasn’t able to meet my eyes to start a conversation, she started talking to the girls and giving them gift bags, which included their literature and a fun beach ball. I know I need to look in those bags, I know I need to start opening my mind to the possibility but for the time being they are still in my car hiding from me…or I am hiding from them.
We currently have landscapers at our home and one of the men has to bring his three-year-old Tongan son with him. We have been entertaining him (let’s be honest, he has been entertaining my girls) and it has been a delight. He is beautiful and there is something about him that reminds me of my (someday) boys. My girls are enamored with him; anytime a whine escapes his lips or he falls off his bike they both rush to his side. Cameron wraps her arms around him and nuzzles her nose against his cheek asking if he is alright. Abby drops her head and starts to cry when he is told by his father to go to timeout or that it’s time to go home. Watching my girls take to this little boy has reminded me that there are two little boys they will love a million times more., especially watching the way they care for him and are excited to see him. It has me, well…honestly…terrified. Wonderfully terrified though.
Today I put the girls in the car to run an errand and let my mind wander while we drove. I have this weird worried feeling, a longing feeling but almost a feeling of sadness. I wondered if they were ok or if I was just missing them.
Is it possible to miss children that you have never met? For me, yes.
I don’t feel at peace, I don’t feel a sense of direction. I just feel, well, emotional.
I wonder where they are. I wonder how they are. I wonder if they are on this earth yet.
And I am terrified and wondering if we are ready to start opening ourselves up and begin finding out.
Wish me luck.
I get this feeling completely. We are waiting for an adoption from China. I get it.
When you get your sons, your daughters WILL spoil them to death!
And if you want some Tongan boys, I know where to get some:)
Beautiful post, Vanessa.
Are you planning to adopt two boys? I’d love to hear more about the “backdrop” of your story - the births of your two girls, the reasons for physically having or not having more children, etc. Those kind of stories fascinate me.
We’re still trying to decide about baby #3…
I know the experience of missing a child that you don’t have… I had two beautiful children–my girl and my boy– and a wonderful husband, a career I love, and an amazing life, but I knew I missed this baby. I knew I needed to try to have this amazing baby #3. I thought I was asking for too much. I tried to let go of it. I prayed for acceptance. I couldn’t stop the feeling of loss. I pushed (probably too hard). After 9 months of trying, I felt I had reached a point of accepting that I would always miss this child, but never have this child. I think my husband was relieved. Nine months later he arrived. It hasn’t been easy for my husband to understand. He has even been resentful at times. He just doesn’t know that I needed to have this baby that I loved and knew.
After just going through the foster care and adoption through foster care saga, I completely understand your thoughts. Just last month we finalized the adoption of our sweet Ethan. We’ve had him since birth and everything worked perfectly with him. He is the 9th child we’ve cared for (we didn’t start out with the intent to adopt, we just wanted to help kids in need. But that changed quickly…we’d have kept any and all of those children!) We had Ethan’s half brother also, for about 7 months. He went back to his biological dad, which my head tells me is the best place for him to be. My husband and I were heartbroken. But ultimately we decided that we are in a much better place to have our hearts broken. I didn’t think I could be strong enough to have those babies leave. But I was, because it’s not about me. It’s about THEM and what is best for them. I can promise you that being a foster parent is hard, harder even than being a birth parent at times because some of those kids have intense problems. I can guarantee that if you do it, you won’t regret it. I know we haven’t.
This quote is on the wall in the room where we went through foster care training. I thought of it every day when our little guy left:
“If you’re listening, if you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders.”
–Andrew Harvey
Good luck with your decision!
oh Vanessa…I loved this post of course! I love adoption and foster care, and the possibilities for babies and children!!
Vanessa, any child would be lucky to have you as a mother - whether it’s your own blood child, or one you’re blessed with to raise and call your own. I am a huge supporter of adoption and/or foster care. I have so many friends/family that have been blessed with beautiful children through the adoption process. Good luck with your decision making process!
I really loved this post. I worked in an orphanage in Ecudaor for 4 months. I fell in love with those children and someday will adopt because of that experience. Good luck. Your boys will be so lucky to have YOU!
I’ve been thinking about this post since I read it last week. I’m just so intrigued. Thanks for sharing it.
Beautiful post, Vanessa. I know we’re not supposed to adopt, there are families that need children that can’t have them, and we can, but the foster care option is something we’ve thought about as well, especially when our kids are older.