My Someday Sons
My thoughts have me worried today. I keep on trying to push them out of my mind, trying to search for some silly catalyst that might have brought them to the surface. I most definitely do not want to face the reality that they are promptings, important decisions we need to start talking about now.
I know I have two sons; I know they will not come from my own body. When I think about the possibility of having anymore children through carrying them I feel nothing. No excitement, no “what could be,” no wonderings, nothing. Just a flat line of emotions, no sadness, no happiness, just complete emptiness.
When I think of my two little boys I start to cry without fail every single time. It is an emotion full of many different elements: worry, anticipation, love, longing, sadness, happiness and hope.
We went to the State Fair this morning and passed by the Utah Foster Organization a few times. How hard I tried to avoid looking into the lady’s face. It terrified me. I have always told myself I would not be strong enough for Foster Care, to adopt through Foster Care. That if something was to go wrong and I lost children I would become dead inside. The young lady behind the booth nervously came out from behind it and since she wasn’t able to meet my eyes to start a conversation, she started talking to the girls and giving them gift bags, which included their literature and a fun beach ball. I know I need to look in those bags, I know I need to start opening my mind to the possibility but for the time being they are still in my car hiding from me…or I am hiding from them.
We currently have landscapers at our home and one of the men has to bring his three-year-old Tongan son with him. We have been entertaining him (let’s be honest, he has been entertaining my girls) and it has been a delight. He is beautiful and there is something about him that reminds me of my (someday) boys. My girls are enamored with him; anytime a whine escapes his lips or he falls off his bike they both rush to his side. Cameron wraps her arms around him and nuzzles her nose against his cheek asking if he is alright. Abby drops her head and starts to cry when he is told by his father to go to timeout or that it’s time to go home. Watching my girls take to this little boy has reminded me that there are two little boys they will love a million times more., especially watching the way they care for him and are excited to see him. It has me, well…honestly…terrified. Wonderfully terrified though.
Today I put the girls in the car to run an errand and let my mind wander while we drove. I have this weird worried feeling, a longing feeling but almost a feeling of sadness. I wondered if they were ok or if I was just missing them.
Is it possible to miss children that you have never met? For me, yes.
I don’t feel at peace, I don’t feel a sense of direction. I just feel, well, emotional.
I wonder where they are. I wonder how they are. I wonder if they are on this earth yet.
And I am terrified and wondering if we are ready to start opening ourselves up and begin finding out.
Wish me luck.