Making Friends As a Grown Woman by *the* Jessica Lowe
January 13th, 2012 in About Me
DO be friends with sexy flight attendants
because when you’re traveling home to TX from NC
and you’re all giddy from just having spent 11 days with your Lover
who had just been deployed for 7 months,
that sexy flight attendant WILL tell the pilot to make an announcement
over the intercom telling the ENTIRE flight about it.
DON’T be friends with anyone who can’t appreciate
a good, thoughtful christmas present.
DO be friends with anyone who likes
to workout with you and will overlook
your tomato red face and sweaty crotch
after each training session.
although, that narrows the friendship pool down to hardly
anyone because when your Lover looks as hot as MY Lover?
it’s almost hard NOT to accidentally flirt with him.
he is making duck face.
he’s sexy and he knows it.
HiLaRiOUsLy inappropriate stories about her husband’s past
and even post pictures of his gangster mexican phase
on your facebook wall.
to meet you and your mustache-a-wearin kids
at chick-fil-a for lunch.
cause sometimes, ya just wanna wear a mustache.
nothing. and i mean NOTHING.
is better than good food and silly games with friends.
this way, they won’t notice your kids
behaving wretchedly horrid
because they’re too busy being watching their own.
pose them for a memorable picture.
or any homemade goodness for that matter
when your house is falling apart with sick people.
it never turns out pretty.
you brought them back as a souvenir
from your trip to san francisco.
take 724989238 million pictures together
until you get one that’s just. right.
that you totally have a camel toe in those pants.
text pictures of your thrift store finds to.
that right there is a rare gem my friends.
in an antique store mink stole.
only good things that come from that kinda power, people.
pictures of themselves when they used to be black
and then tells you to NEVER show anyone
or put them on your blog.
are you kidding me? do you even know who i am?
looking totally hardcore while getting a tattoo.
and just to be clear,
this is an example of “someone”
NOT looking totally hardcore.
no, it doesn’t hurt.
and act a fool with you in public.
being 100% honest.
even if it makes them sound like a total slut.
in a good way of course.
that’s an easy one.
nerdy internet level as you are.
it’s no fun making a hilarious honey badger joke
to someone whose never even heard of youtube.
lemme repeat myself.
DO. DO. DO.
be friends with your sisters.
they’ll always love you
no matter what.
for more totally awesome blog posts,
come visit me on my own