I shall blog again!
I keep on telling myself to just hold off on blogging until I have my “Costa Rica Chronicles” to share. But that is taking longer than I thought. The stories are still floating in my head, waiting to be written. In my mind I see them. I picture them as little driftwood rafts lost on the sea. The sun wearing them down and looking like they will soon shrivel up. But I will rescue them. Write down the words that have been mulling around in this scattered, foggy, brain of mine.
Life continues on. I tire of being the new one. I am worn down from starting friendships anew, being disappointed by the lack of outreach with old relationships. I don’t want to answer the same checklist of questions everywhere I go. My heart wants friendships that have zoomed past the getting to know you phase and have reached the “real” phase. But I know there is no skipping this, and I smile, and try. Some days I do this well—this new neighborhood, new church group, new school mom group–some days. Other days I don’t, which doesn’t help the process. Three middle schools, four high schools, and then moving six times in ten years of marriage. No wait that doesn’t count moving to Costa Rica and then to where we are in a different part of Utah right now. My soul is tired of this, my mind even more so. I want to experience more, want to live in Europe after this school year. But now my heart is asking to stay in one place and grow roots. So in a couple of years I will give it what it wants, and a breathe a sigh of relief.
Life continues on in other ways. Sweet friends who make me feel like I am home even if I am in a new place. Spending time with them makes me feel like myself. Family. Making this temporary house feel like a home. Filling our days up with summer errands. Some days they just feel like errands and other days we lose ourselves in the fun.
The girls are growing up. Dealing with new problems and beautiful accomplishments.
I am tired. I have found with myself that I ride the wave of extreme stress as a champion. A champion that might have a tizzy fit here or there but overall can kill the wave. But then after I am done I collapse on the sand. I am worn, the stress takes a toll on me afterwards, and I am tired inside. Tired in my bones. The awful cold sores come which is sign of stress for me and make my face and head ache. I will wait for this to pass and hope it passes sooner than later. This is a cycle that I know is just how my spirit and body deals with things.
Four kids in six years has hit me hard. Beautifully, but with such force. I hit the pillow and wake up just as exhausted. Some days I am frustrated by the lack of time I have for myself. Other days I feel blissfully overtaken with motherhood. This is my season. Some days I adore it. Some days I just want to hide and sleep.
Four girls, I have four of them. I feel as if it is a rite of passage. As if I say it and feel as if I should be given a medal. Not because I have done anything right. But because of the immense amount of responsibility I have before me. I am not patient enough, I do not follow through enough, I don’t do all the things my mind aches to do for my girls. But I am also working myself so bone tired. With songs, laughter, dancing, cuddles, talking to, raising, feeding, worrying, loving. Do they know this, will they notice one day? I pray that they will look back and remember the good and the bad. That they remember me as a real woman. But never be so hurt by me, or scarred by me. I will mess up but I just want to send them off filled with self esteem, confidence, beauty, and a strong spirit. Not one that needs fixing up when I am done with raising them. And I pray that a mother out there is doing that with her boys. So that one day they will find each other. And I will hug that mother so tight and thank her for raising good good men.
Four girls, they know I love them right? And that I was never trying for a son. Reagan, my fourth beauty, I wanted to be a girl. I might have said other things or at times not known what was in my heart. But I know it was to be HER and that it is what I wanted. I cringe when people say with pity we have four girls, or give Tyler a hard time. I watch Abby’s face as she looks as me as if to say, you didn’t want us?
I hope they know their bone tired mother wanted all four girls, all four of them. And to be in charge of raising four intelligent, strong, tender hearted, full of personality, smart, and beautiful girls.
It is all my life is right now. So one day I will get back to blogging. One day I will write of our experiences out in Central America. One day I will do a lot of things.
But right now I will continue to gather up all the energy I have left, and raise these four girls a million times stronger than me. They will be able to ride the waves of life far better than I. These four sweet things of mine.
So hopefully I “see” you soon with updates, stories, etc. Have a wonderful summer until I do.