I shall blog again!

June 10th, 2013 in About Me

I keep on telling myself to just hold off on blogging until I have my “Costa Rica Chronicles” to share. But that is taking longer than I thought. The stories are still floating in my head, waiting to be written. In my mind I see them. I picture them as  little driftwood rafts lost on the sea. The sun wearing them down and looking like they will soon shrivel up. But I will rescue them.  Write down the words that have been mulling around in this scattered, foggy, brain of mine.

Life continues on. I tire of being the new one. I am worn down from starting friendships anew, being disappointed by the lack of outreach with old relationships. I don’t want to answer the same checklist of questions everywhere I go. My heart wants friendships that have zoomed past the getting to know you phase and have reached the “real” phase. But I know there is no skipping this, and I smile, and try. Some days I do this well—this new neighborhood, new church group, new school mom group–some days. Other days I don’t, which doesn’t help the process. Three middle schools, four high schools, and then moving six times in ten years of marriage. No wait that doesn’t count moving to Costa Rica and then to where we are in a different part of Utah right now. My soul is tired of this, my mind even more so. I want to experience more, want to live in Europe after this school year. But now my heart is asking to stay in one place and grow roots. So in a couple of years I will give it what it wants, and a breathe a sigh of relief.

Life continues on in other ways. Sweet friends who make me feel like I am home even if I am in a new place. Spending time with them makes me feel like myself. Family. Making this temporary house feel like a home. Filling our days up with summer errands. Some days they just feel like errands and other days we lose ourselves in the fun.

The girls are growing up. Dealing with new problems and beautiful accomplishments.

I am tired. I have found with myself that I ride the wave of extreme stress as a champion. A champion that might have a tizzy fit here or there but overall can kill the wave. But then after I am done I collapse on the sand. I am worn, the stress takes a toll on me afterwards, and I am tired inside. Tired in my bones. The awful cold sores come which is sign of stress for me and make my face and head ache. I will wait for this to pass and hope it passes sooner than later. This is a cycle that I know is just how my spirit and body deals with things.

Four kids in six years has hit me hard. Beautifully, but with such force. I hit the pillow and wake up just as exhausted. Some days I am frustrated by the lack of time I have for myself. Other days I feel blissfully overtaken with motherhood. This is my season. Some days I adore it. Some days I just want to hide and sleep.

Four girls, I have four of them. I feel as if it is a rite of passage. As if I say it and feel as if I should be given a medal. Not because  I have done anything right. But because of the immense amount of responsibility I have before me. I am not patient enough, I do not follow through enough, I don’t do all the things my mind aches to do for my girls. But I am also working myself so bone tired. With songs, laughter, dancing, cuddles, talking to, raising, feeding, worrying, loving. Do they know this, will they notice one day? I pray that they will look back and remember the good and the bad. That they remember me as a real woman. But never be so hurt by me, or scarred by me. I will mess up but I just want to send them off filled with self esteem, confidence, beauty, and a strong spirit. Not one that needs fixing up when I am done with raising them. And I pray that a mother out there is doing that with her boys. So that one day they will find each other. And I will hug that mother so tight and thank her for raising good good men.

Four girls, they know I love them right? And that I was never trying for a son. Reagan, my fourth beauty, I wanted to be a girl. I might have said other things or at times not known what was in my heart. But I know it was to be HER and that it is what I wanted. I cringe when people say with pity we have four girls, or give Tyler a hard time. I watch Abby’s face as she looks as me as if to say, you didn’t want us?

I hope they know their bone tired mother wanted all four girls, all four of them. And to be in charge of raising four intelligent, strong, tender hearted, full of personality, smart, and beautiful girls.

It is all my life is right now. So one day I will get back to blogging. One day I will write of our experiences out in Central America. One day I will do a lot of things.

But right now I will continue to gather up all the energy I have left, and raise these four girls a million times stronger than me. They will be able to ride the waves of life far better than I. These four sweet things of mine.

So hopefully I “see” you soon with updates, stories, etc. Have a wonderful summer until I do.

8 Responses to “I shall blog again!”

  • Emily
    June 10th, 2013 at 6:51 am

    Posts like these make me love you all the more. You are an inspiration to me and to your girls. They are going to be strong, courageous, kind, beautiful, confident women…and all because of their mom. I can’t wait to see how they change the world.

    P.S. I am raising George as best as I can so he can find an amazing girl like yours.

  • annie valentine
    June 10th, 2013 at 7:01 am

    I really love this, great post.

  • Linda
    June 10th, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Oh, I am so glad to have you back posting. I have missed you. I loved your analogy your stories being like drift wood. Very beautifully written.

    I remember getting the same questions and comments with my four boys. Knowing their little eyes were trained on me I smiled and said with complete honesty, “I love boys.”

    Don’t worry so much about your girls. They have loving parents and extended family and support group. Tell them often that you love them, enjoy them and give yourself a break or you will never stop feeling so tired. Children don’t need to be the constant center of attention to know they are loved. It is the feeling in the home and the look in their parents eyes that teaches them about love.

    If you did nothing more each day than get up and feed them and see that they are clean and cared for they will flourish and find themselves. Thinking that you have to be “on” all the time is tiring as you try to control their lives. They are good girls and will be just fine.

  • Anya
    June 10th, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    Hi Vanessa-
    This post really struck a chord with me. I have 2 littles– a girl and a boy — and every thought you shared here I have felt myself. They never told us this parenting business would be SO HARD. But just before I sat down to read your post I was tiptoeing into my kids rooms, taking pics of them while they sleep, feeling that my heart may burst with all the love I have for them.
    But I’m oh-so-tired. :)

    Keep on, sweet mama…and thanks for holding your mirror up to my heart today.

  • Betsy Fox
    June 12th, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Oh Vanessa–
    I LOVE this post. You have so beautifully described very many of the feelings I’ve had over the past years. Thank you!
    Betsy

  • Jamie M.
    June 13th, 2013 at 11:09 pm

    I love this because I feel this way all the time. I feel like I am running around putting out fires and hoping I am not neglecting the three kids who are my number one job. We are in our 11th house in 10 years of marriage, I am really looking forward to moving once more and putting down roots. It is hard to meet new people and make new friends and I don’t put as much effort into it as I should. Maybe one day :) .

  • Sharon
    June 18th, 2013 at 12:05 am

    I love you – I love what is inside of you. And you have so much LOVE for your girls. You are a wonderful mother, daughter and a fantastic YOU!

  • Stephanie
    July 8th, 2013 at 6:04 am

    I understand so much of this post, Vanessa – except that I have three little girls, not four. ;)

    Thanks for being honest. Thanks for being you.

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