I need this old train to breakdown

March 25th, 2012 in About Me

One of my favorite songs is called Breakdown, the musician wrote it when he was on a train traveling in Europe, he hoped that the train would break down so he would have an excuse to explore the beautiful city. Although when I hear the song and the tone that he sings it in, it makes me think of a tired old train that just wants to breakdown. To breakdown to give itself a break from things it can’t run away from or that it can’t change. Sometimes the chorus of the songs runs through my head when I am struggling or feeling defeated with a situation.

Last night was a night where I felt very down and defeated. Sometimes a good night of rest helps you to be able to shrug it off. But sometimes have you noticed that you wake up only to really realize what happened and you feel even more defeated, frustrated, hurt? That doesn’t happen to me very often but this time it did.

Sometimes I read my favorite couple of blogs or hear from friends how they went on a huge family vacation with all their brothers, sisters, kids and had a blast. Or I will see family dinners, concerts outside, family reunions and I just…oh I want that! But I am the oldest, was married quite a long time, and had popped out a couple of kids long before anyone else. I have been very anxious for everyone to catch up to me in life, so we could have more in common and do more “adult” type things with our families. At times I wonder what it would be like to have older brothers and sisters and to be one of the younger ones. I have tried to still have strong relationships with my youngest siblings by being excited for their graduations, birthdays, mission calls, taking them out to lunch, movies, etc. Most of the time I don’t let it bug me that I am the one to always reach out, just because of ages, I mean there is only so much you can expect.

But, I can get defeated and just want to “breakdown” with my spot/role in the family. I get tired of being the naggy, common sense thinking, planning, organizing, reminding oldest sister.

Last night I was unbelievably frustrated that I had planned a big surprise party for a little brother, had people drive hours to come, get it off work, nag everyone to try to be on time! Hours spent cleaning the house, making food, preparing Minute to Win It games, etc. And it flopped. Big time. Decisions were made to go to another event an hour and half away from my home right before the party. To not think there would be horrible traffic on the messed up I-15 in Provo, on Saturday, at dinner time, with a festival just ending I just cannot comprehend. I do understand that traffic happens, accidents happen, etc. But some things can completely be avoided when using common sense. I just am so worn out that no one thought it was a horrible idea, no one around them told them not to do it and that I once again became the naggy grumpy oldest sister.

I tried oh so hard to just in my mind re arrange plans, even when I knew there was only 30 minutes left of the party, I thought I could still make it work. But when a bunch of men walked into my house covered in powdered paint/cornstarch who I knew I could not have on my carpet, couches, playing the games, having fun…I lost it.

And then this morning I didn’t wake up feeling much better and when my girls came out of the bathroom after I had gotten them all ready for church covered in that powdered paint. That was the end.

I am feeling completely defeated, sometimes I really do just want this old train to breakdown.

I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown

 P.S. You can completely still love and adore your family but want to run away sometimes right? Right? I do love them, it’s true. But at the moment I would like to run away for awhile. 

Comments are closed.