love of local in Utah
Fine Lines
This is the ongoing battle I have with myself and motherhood.
Life seems to be made up of way too many fine lines.
But there is one line that I feel is razor thin and every day I am re-adjusting, tightening, falling off or some months struggling when it just snaps right in half.
It’s not so good when it snaps right in half because that leaves my family miserable and myself feeling like a failure.
This fine line is…Being LOST in Motherhood. One side is the right way to be lost and the other is the wrong way.
The right side is being lost in motherhood happily, where I can run through sprinklers, change diapers way too many times per day, break up kid fights by saying something absurdly silly and being completely lost in, absorbed with and in love with motherhood. At the end of the day I am tired, but other than a few moments of the day where the drama level was raising to red hot alert (I DO have two girls), I realize that I LOVE my life.
Then there is the being lost in motherhood that begins to feel dark, that I might start to resent. Where if I honest to goodness have one more person tells me to do something, I might just run away from it all. Then there is the dealing with the shame that comes after being really honest with myself and knowing that I really could have run away.
When that darkness comes and it outlasts the “just being in a funk” phase, it is never a good sign. Then I find myself feeling guilty that the darkness and being lost is not being cured by things that normally cure it: prayer, service and devouring every word the prophet has spoken on the subject.
I am blessed enough to know to PULL THE PLUG when it gets to that point. I also have a good husband that helps me know when I need some help. Pull the plug on things that I can’t handle anymore and get some help.
So my mind can be clear or I can get help to make it clear and reevaluate. Reevaluate what my calling in life is, what I need to do still be ME and grow.
Isn’t this fine line different for everyone? And boy, isn’t it confusing at times?
Thanks for being patient with me while I figure out life and this fine line of being blissfully lost in motherhood but also making sure I remember me.
I AM BACK!
P.S. Am I making any sense?
P.P.S. Recipes, Crafts, Art Projects, Parenting Dilemmas, Monday Mavens, etc. to come. I have so much to share with you this month.
P.P.S. Thanks, Camille for interviewing me for this feature. Can you tell I was in the middle of being lost when she interviewed me?
I understand. Let me say that again. I UNDERSTAND. Welcome back, mom warrior, you were missed.
Yay! I am so glad you’re back. You’ve been missed!
I think you have great introspection. Many people don’t realize when they get to that place and things get crazier.
Glad you’re back!
You are always insightful and I love these posts! Yay for plugging back into the Internet–I missed you!
You are so wonderful. We are glad to have you back.
ha. Sarah must have been on my computer last. That “Sarah” comment was actually me.
glad you are back! your honesty and realness help more mothers than you will ever know.
Glad you are back! … and this is really me
I have written, deleted and rewritten about 17 different things.
I TOTALLY get what you are saying. I hear you, I empathize with you and you’re not alone.
xo
You are awesome. I have felt this way so many time over the last 14.5 years. You put it more eloquently than I ever could.
Glad to have you back my friend!
I can definitely relate…thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one! Welcome back!
Glad you’re back I hope you enjoyed the break
Yes, you are making sense. I think that is the very reason motherhood is so hard, and why those of us that DON’T run away are hailed as AMAZING ;D
It’s nice to have the option to UNPLUG, and I’m glad you can recognize when that needs to happen. Hope you enjoyed some “time off” (of things not pertaining to motherhood) and welcome back!
You make total sense. Welcome back!
If you didn’t feel this way you wouldn’t be normal. I find the older my kids get the easier it gets. The young ones that are home all day can wear on you in a different way. (Not that the older ones don’t come with their own challenges.) If I take regular breaks (anything by myself that recharges me including) from motherhood I feel LOTS better.
Thanks for this. It helped me to realize some of the things I’ve been dealing with and couldn’t put my finger on. P.S. I think we all get a little lost from time to time. Motherhood is a very demanding, albeit rewarding, job.
LOVED this post, Vanessa. It’s so true. I feel like I’m constantly teetering back and forth over that fine line. Oy vey. Thanks for sharing this!
Love this- thanks for sharing your honest thoughts- I think it encourages other moms, too, for sure!