Fine Lines

July 1st, 2010 in Life

This is the ongoing battle I have with myself and motherhood.

Life seems to be made up of way too many fine lines.

But there is one line that I feel is razor thin and every day I am re-adjusting, tightening, falling off or some months struggling when it just snaps right in half.

It’s not so good when it snaps right in half because that leaves my family miserable and myself feeling like a failure.

This fine line is…Being LOST in Motherhood.  One side is the right way to be lost and the other is the wrong way.

The right side is being lost in motherhood happily, where I can run through sprinklers, change diapers way too many times per day, break up kid fights by saying something absurdly silly and being completely lost in, absorbed with and in love with motherhood. At the end of the day I am tired, but other than a few moments of the day where the drama level was raising to red hot alert (I DO have two girls), I realize that I LOVE my life.

Then there is the being lost in motherhood that begins to feel dark, that I might start to resent. Where if I honest to goodness have one more person tells me to do something, I might just run away from it all. Then there is the dealing with the shame that comes after being really honest with myself and knowing that I really could have run away.

When that darkness comes and it outlasts the “just being in a funk” phase, it is never a good sign.  Then I find myself feeling guilty that the darkness and being lost is not being cured by things that normally cure it: prayer, service and devouring every word the prophet has spoken on the subject.

I am blessed enough to know to PULL THE PLUG when it gets to that point.  I also have a good husband that helps me know when I need some help. Pull the plug on things that I can’t handle anymore and get some help.

So my mind can be clear or I can get help to make it clear and reevaluate. Reevaluate what my calling in life is, what I need to do still be ME and grow.

Isn’t this fine line different for everyone? And boy, isn’t it confusing at times?

Thanks for being patient with me while I figure out life and this fine line of being blissfully lost in motherhood but also making sure I remember me.


P.S. Am I making any sense?

P.P.S. Recipes, Crafts, Art Projects, Parenting Dilemmas, Monday Mavens, etc. to come. I have so much to share with you this month.

P.P.S. Thanks, Camille for interviewing me for this feature.  Can you tell I was in the middle of being lost when she interviewed me?

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