love of local in Utah
Anxiety
I do not want to label poor Poki and give her a problem she doesn’t have. But the only way I can really *explain* what she goes through every day is severe anxiety.
It breaks my heart, stresses me out, really bothers her older sister, tires us all out and most hard of all it can completely ruin her whole day. It can be something as simple as asking her to do a chore she is not certain she can do herself to just leaving for dance class that will set her off. Those that are close to our family know that she has had this problem since she was a little baby. She gets very stressed out and it over takes her, like she just cannot cope. She can act out by just freezing up, crying, screaming, scratching herself and others or completely tearing apart a room. I have learned that she has to be handled very gently. I cannot rush her, the stress she feels no consequence in the world will make her be able to stop, things have to be worded the right way and I can’t “lead up” to any event (by reminding her about it, talking about it, etc.) or it builds up anxiety in her. But I still don’t really know that much on what to do to help her.
Do any of your have children with a similar problem? What have you found helpful?
Oh sweet Poki. I have no real advice. I think you do a wonderful job. The only thing I have to say (and I know you know this because you do this) is as long as you are determined to parent with love, and you approach discipline or rules or methods with love being the thing that guides you, you’ll find the way. You’ll figure her out, and in the meantime, know you are doing such a good job with her.
Poor Cameron. Anxiety can be dehibiltating. Does she often throw a tantrum for things that are out of her control? Even if there is no reason at all?
I love what Rebecca said, because you ARE such a wonderful Mother…and great example.
We have the outgoing oldest child, and now Paul and I are learning to parent an entirely different way with our 2nd. It is hard to watch your 2nd struggle with things that the first one did so flawlessly. It is finding what works best for everyone, and I think lots of prayer helps.
I think my son has a similar problem but on a smaller scale. Van, my 3 1/2 year old middle child, acts out like that over minor things, like being cold out of the bathtub or thinking we are going to leave him behind when we are getting in the car and he is lagging behind. He can kind up wind up and up and then explode. We have taught him to tell us when he is having “a hard time” and he can be calmed better once he knows that his emotion has a name for it. One thing that has really helped him is we gave him his own song for when he has a hard time. Bob Marley’s “Three Little Birds”. You know the line “Every little thing is gonna be alright.” He connects with that song very well. We play it for him when he is having “a hard time”. Maybe try giving her her own song?
I also wouldn’t think it was a bad thing for you to seek help from a child psychologist.
Good luck! Dang kids. It’s so much easier to have babies than older children that are learning and growing and having one issue or another.
Isn’t parenting so much fun, especially when you have to parent a variety of ways? We are still trying to figure out what works best for each of our children. But you, you are a FANTASTIC mom and Poki is part of your family for a reason–I’m thinking it’s because of you. But if you get to a point where you feel nothing’s working, I’d go with Whitney’s advice and seek the help of a professional. I’ve had a few friends who have done so for their anxiety-inclined children and never regretted it.
I would highly recommend seeking out an occupational therapist. i have a friend with a child that is exactly what you are describing, pretty much from birth. they tried everything until finally they stumbled upon this and it’s made such an incredible difference for their whole family! this is the one my friend goes to http://www.ot4kidstlc.com, just to give you an idea of what i speak of. her other children go to her now too, even though they don’t have apparent issues. but it’s helping them deal with their sister. May I ask if she has sleep issues? Another suggestion I would make is do Terra essential oils. they are magic! just diffusing them her room at night or during the day. rubbing certain oils on her feet. they have done wonders for my anxiety. i’m all for natural healing methods, especially in children! good luck. if you have question about either of the things i mentioned, don’t hesitate to email me!
Poor Angel! I have a son with anxiety and a daughter with classic Autism. Both require planning and quick thinking and affect the whole child. Try creating a schedule that she can manipulate. A visual schedule works great for younger kids and can go on the fridge or in their room. They always know what comes next. Also, try activity change warnings. Start with ten min, and repeat at five, three, one, etc. Encourage question and answer time before bed, bath time it great. It clears all those questions that interrupt good sleep. Try swinging on a swing or in a blanket held by two adults side to side or back and forth. This is a calming motion. Circles amp up, so avoid spinning. Deep hugs and should rubs help too!
Having multiple children with special needs I can sooo relate to what you are going through. A number of my children are unable to process or regulate their emotions and when they are getting “out of sorts” we talk and say….”are you keeping yourself regulated?? I can see you are feeling frustrated…can you use words to talk to me?” Helping her learn to use the words to describe what she is feeling before meltdowns is helpful. You are doing the right things…you are watching and learning what is difficult for her and making adjustments. The OT specialist that was mentioned is an excellent idea. Most of these issues she will grow out of, the portions of her brain that help her deal with processing emotions is just lagging behind. Kids are great about instinctively knowing what they need. My son used to put his hand up in front of his face when people would talk to him – he could not process all the facial expressions and it would overload him so he put up his own barrier. I, as the mom, learned to not look him in the eye during emotionally high times and talk to him in a whisper in his ear. If I did that he didn’t get over stimulated and could process my statement. Keep observing the signals your daughter is giving you as to how she is finding ways to cope. I found it very helpful to keep a notebook on my child and jot down notes when meltdowns occurred and what went on beforehand. Look for patterns. Does it happen at the same time each day? Right after eating certain foods? Food allergies/sensitivities can have a huge impact on behaviors. We had to elliminate all red dyes and chemicals for one child…the results were extreme. A totally different child. Having the notebook record is also helpful when talking with Drs and specialists if necessary down the road. Julie had some great ideas. I will add that the best resource of all is prayer. Your daughter is His daughter first..He knows and loves her and can inspire and guide you as you seek to help her grow and develop fully. Be confident as a mom to know that you are doing a great job! These aren’t parenting issues…these are developmental issues. HUGS!!!
Hi there, I’m a child and family therapist and I work with a lot of anxious kids? Have you thought about having her see a therapist? It might be helpful to teach her (and you) some strategies that can help her to manage her anxiety and give her some control over it. It can be very scary for kids to not be in control of their emotions (as it is for adults, too!). Building her confidence and giving her some “tools” would be very helpful.
To offer a slightly different perspective, I have anxiety that really intensified when I was 6. For me it was always there but became severe with a big change (my family moved to a new city so everything was different overnight).
Many of the things mentioned were helpful and still tools I use today.
1- Structured schedule. I liked a color coded one that had colors for family time, friend time, school/homework time, dance time, me time, etc. I got to decide what I wanted on the schedule so I had control but then I had a guideline and knew what to expect each day without someone telling me (which to this day sets my heart racing).
2- Meditation. I would go through a self hypnosis relaxation where I would take deep breaths and relax each body part from head to toe. This took a lot of practice time when I wasn’t anxious before I could do it with anxiety, but by the time I was 12 I could easily tell when I was starting into anxiety and I could to a quick 10 min relax so I could think clearly and make decisions without pressure. I think the best trick was when my mom started teaching it to me she never mentioned it was going to help with my attacks (if she did I would have felt too much pressure and resisted). She simply learned herself and then when I was having a great day and seemed open she offered it as a game for all the kids to participate in.
3. Water. This was just my thing, and she’ll have her own thing. Taking a shower always helped me re-set. This is still my go to method when I start to get over stressed. It makes me feel like I am washing whatever the problem is away and I get to start the day over.
With these tools I collected early on I have never had to take anti-anxiety drugs.
Good luck with everything!
I just stumbled onto your website by accident, but this post caught my attention. My (now 28yo) son has had anxiety since he was about 5 or 6. I think you are definitely on the right track and all the advice here seems good. Camylle’s response iseems most helpful at this point and I’d stress the meditation as she learned it. My son did not have this, though I did help him, with my being calm and a calming influence (according to him), until his late teen years. Finishing school and having to face life and major decisions was very stressful for him. He has learned meditation of sorts in the past few years and the improvement is immense, so it would be great for your little girl learn it early and avoid compounding stress and/or a necessity for anti-anxiety drugs. My son does the showers, too.
your the BOMB dot COM. your the bestest mom on earth. you will do what’s best for her! maybe going to costa rica will cure it. i hear the ocean air does a body good!