4 Month After Baby Haze
Over the holidays I started to come out of this fuzzy haze of newborn bliss that starts to turn to a thick fog by the end of it. I adore the newborn phase; breathing them in, thinking about nothing else. A blank mind, in a fog where nothing else really matters.
And then the fog begins to feel suffocating and I can feel myself begin to try to find my way out. Baby needs to sleep in her own room, the days of being in lounge-wear are starting to get old, and I have forgotten who I am.
So at the end of this newborn bliss that I love, it always ends with this phase of trying to find who I am again. I begin to feel just like a vessel with nothing inside. I change diapers, I feed kids every 2 1/2 hours, and am ready for an interrupted night of sleep. Everyone around me becomes a bit ghostlike. I am there taking care of them but not really there interacting with my heart, with who I am.
I have two weeks where my husband worries about me, I look and act a bit depressed. But I remember I do this every time and I know what I need to get it out of it.
Find who I am again while keeping in mind the season of my life. The season of my life is four little girls ages six and under. So I try to figure out the fine line of keeping the house kind of up, spending time with my husband, having two babies, interacting like a good mama with the two oldest. But also having goals for myself and working towards them. The season of my life doesn’t give me much time for this. But I have to figure out how to find a little.
So I sit down and write down who I want to be, what my soul needs, what my body needs, what my relationships need, and what my creative mind needs. And I make little, so very little goals to help me come out of this haze.
Then finally I feel like I can stretch out my arms and poke my fingers out of this fog. And that every single day after that a little bit more of me will emerge. Until I finally can see ME.